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Within one hour of landing in Phuket – I am face down; a series of deep knee thrusts, sharp elbow strikes and a stiff hand palm and forearm combination silencing me into submission. Set upon from above, a sprite Thai lady, not much bigger than a child straddles me, pushing, pummeling and prying my body that has contorted into a semi-seated position after spending the last 12 hours or so crammed into a plane.

This is hardly an assault, and if it was it would be the sweetest kind – my senses engaged by the smell of fragrant Thai herbs, the tickling sound of water running nearby and the long journey I have just endured drifting away to the gentle pulsating beat of cicadas chirping in the nearby rain forest.

As I soften, much like a tub of lard left out in the sun, I cannot help but marvel how Thai massage can be so forceful but to the body feel like the embrace of soft Thai silk.

Cape Panwa Hotel and Spa is perched on the southern most tip of Phuket, Thailand’s largest island, gazing out over the famous jade spliced waters of the Andaman Sea.

Protected by the westerly winds that can sometimes buffer the coastline and boasting a secluded sandy beach that is free from hawkers but peppered with people much like myself, who have chosen Cape Panwa for its idyllic but also indulgently private location.

Lying almost naked in the throes of the most blissful massage, one that I don’t recall booking, panic sweeps over me – have the staff mistaken me for someone else?

Cape Panwa has a rich history of hosting movie stars, and with my Australian accent and cologne of stale aircraft, I could perhaps pass as regular guest Toni Collette – even though I am a little more Muriel’s Wedding than Little Miss Sunshine.

Elizabeth Taylor is also a regular, but I am not quite of her vintage, Catherine Zeta Jones (too tall, too brunette and too beautiful), Geena Davis (see last reason but change brunette to redhead) or even Leonardo DeCaprio, who stayed here to film The Beach.

A long shot I know, unless one of us has been messing with gender reassignment but I lose myself in the daydream of at least being “one” of his girlfriends, preening before he arrives in his private jet to spend the week wooing me.

Just when Leonardo and I were about to jump in the jacuzzi on our balcony, a silken voice interrupts my dream whispering: “Madame Bouveng, Madame Bouveng, your room is ready for you.”

I wander off to my room intoxicated by a Cape Panwa welcome, clasping a fresh coconut juice served straight from the nut and lei of dancing orchids strung ceremoniously around my neck.

The closest I figure I will get to Leonardo is by requesting his favorite room. And it does in fact have a jacuzzi on the balcony and is luxuriously appointed with a view that is shared by the swish of coconut palms that whisper bewitchingly in the balmy tropical breeze against the azure backdrop of sky meets sea.

While it would be easy not to leave the confines of such an indulgent retreat (and go back to the jacuzzi daydream), I put Leonardo on hold and opt to shop, jumping on Cape Panwa’s private bus (available for hire at an additional cost) and within 30 minutes find myself in Patong.

For bargain hunters this is paradise, but for me, an hour of incessant bartering and the ant-like swarms of people hell bent on getting a fake bargain leave me exhausted so my driver suggests we head to Phuket Town, which operates at a slightly less frenetic pace.

The architecture in this preserved city dates back to the 16th century, with the famous Sino-Portuguese mansions melding with those that bear a slightly more European facade.

Born in the days when tin made Phuket famous, there is plenty to discover of the colorful history and the cultural change that was influenced by the Dutch, Portuguese and Chinese traders who came to seek their wealth by mining and trading tin.

By the 19th century the Chinese culture had made the most significant impact and today, much of the architecture, temples and tradition still remain as a vibrant sub-culture underpinning those that were founded by the indigenous Thai people.

Vintage printing houses still sing, boutique stores offer artisan goods including ceramics, silver and gems and shopkeepers do whatever they can to entice you in for a browse, which will hopefully convert to a buy.

Restaurants spill on to the street offering every local delicacy, some recognizable; like the famous sticky coconut rice and mango and others that I leave to the locals like pigs hearts, crispy quails eggs and others that defy identification.

Famous for its local cuisine, Phuket offers the chance to dine street side with hardly a blank piece of landscape not claimed by a motorbike with cooking facilities slung alongside, but with Cape Panwa only a short distance away, boasting 11 bars and restaurants, I decide to head back to where I know what is described on the menu is what I am actually consuming.

Panwa House, Cape Panwa Hotel and Spa’s restaurant, is the creme of the crop. Guarded by towering fronds of coconut palms, their soldier-like stalks stand defiant and protective of this gorgeous Sino-Portuguese mansion that was restored back in 1988 when the hotel was built.

After dinner I find myself on the beach sharing a Thai tradition of launching a rice paper lantern into the velvet cloudless sky with a wish for the future and also as a symbolism that any of my troubles will float away as the lantern disappears into the night.

The next morning I head to the beach to join Cape Panwa’s Executive Chef Phudom, to learn the skills and secrets of authentic Thai cooking.

Mirroring a George Clooney-like charisma, Chef Phudom makes it all look so easy, especially with prep chefs to do all the slicing and dicing, but by following his instruction, I am amazed to be serving up the most delicious of Thai dishes virtually solo.

Armed with a certificate of competency, a memento chef’s hat and apron and enough recipes to cook Thai for my whole neighborhood on my return, I was pleased to be able to take something home that was more than a just a souvenir.

My last day was spent in similar idyllic bliss, this time on board the Panwa Princess, Cape Panwa’s private luxury yacht. Island hopping takes on a new definition when you have your own private charter, the crew eager to share the best diving, fishing and swimming spots, or just cruise these sublime waters, islands rising from the sea like uncut emeralds, while you enjoy the freshwater jacuzzi on the top deck sipping champagne.

It is no wonder the movie stars keep returning to this place and if Leonardo plays his cards right – I may even consider being one of his Cape Panwa girlfriends.

Written by Narelle Bouveng
Published on stuff.co.nz